The Column
Motto: Twitter sucksProbablyJustJealous
I don’t have a Twitter. I don’t like the idea of a stream of small text posts. So here’s everything I would have tweeted if I had a Twitter:
Any pairing of “good” plus a time of day is either a hello or a goodbye. “Good afternoon” is different than “good night”.RandomObservation
I’m drinking coffee. I’m in the bathroom.CircleOfLife
Roses are grey. Violets are grey. Everything is grey. I am a dog.HEGOTJOKES
High Intensity Interval Potty TrainingIWasBornFlexingEnjoyThisBathroomSwellfie
If an object was perfectly black, it would appear as a shilloute when you looked directly at it.Interesting
Just hit a new PR2D2, have fun Chewieing on that C315PO deadlift.WeightliftingStarWarsJokeIAmTheForceHashtag
Mission Impossible 1 was good. Mission Impossible 2 was Mission Impossible 1. Mission Impossibles 3 & 4 were Mission Impossible 2.
I don’t understand Twitter. Please everyone disregard the message intended for my wife. I love you all too, but, just… that wasn’t for you
If Google buys Twitter you know he’ll be wearing a Twitter T-Shirt on Monday.Brandist
Hello Chris Hardwick! I listen to your stuff! Thanks for making my commute less boring. Have on more superheros. I have narrow interests.
The person behind the checkout counter actually “checked me out”. Thanks but no thanks.StandardsMirin
I miss Melissa.
Ant-Man: What a fun little movie.DadJokesDadJokesButReallyThatIsJustMyActualOpinionOfTheMovie
Revving your engine is for peacocks. Find ways to try to impress people that aren’t so loud. I don’t like you.
4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42
Peptobismol should run a commercial where it is poured onto the surface of Jupiter, and it ceases being a Gas Giant.ThatsAStretch
Abbreva should run a commercial where it is poured onto the surface of Jupiter, and its red spot goes away.StillStretching
30 Day Challenge: Wake @ 6, Bed @ 10, Eat in, Drink water & coffee, run a mile, 100 pushups, 15 pullups, & 15 minutes stretching. Every day.
Day 2: I’m so tired. I’m so, so very tired.
The word “Alphabet” should really end with a “z”.
Day 6: Why am I DOING THIS?WHYAMIDOINGTHISQUESTIONMARK
You’re fat because you eat too much. The proof is in the pudding.HESTILLGOTJOKES
I just took this picture:FoodPicMyWifeIsAwesomeDeliciousness
Top 5: Advantages with which I was Born
5. Tall, right-handed, right-eye dominant
4. Semi-atheletic build, propensity to lose weight rather than gain it - even into my late twenties
3. White male (sadly, this is still almost undeniably an advantage in America)
2. Typically functioning body & mind
1. My family & upbringing, a distinct & clear advantage
Quote:
“This is so fun! Why have I never come to IKEA?”
- Person I walked by in IKEA -