I don't have a Twitter. I don't like the idea of a stream of small text posts. So here's everything I would have tweeted if I had a Twitter:
Any pairing of "good" plus a time of day is either a hello or a goodbye. "Good afternoon" is different than "good night". #RandomObservation
I'm drinking coffee. I'm in the bathroom. #CircleOfLife
Roses are grey. Violets are grey. Everything is grey. I am a dog. #HEGOTJOKES
High Intensity Interval Potty Training #IWasBornFlexing #EnjoyThisBathroomSwellfie
If an object was perfectly black, it would appear as a shilloute when you looked directly at it. #Interesting
Just hit a new PR2D2, have fun Chewieing on that C315PO deadlift. #WeightliftingStarWarsJoke #IAmTheForce #Hashtag
Mission Impossible 1 was good. Mission Impossible 2 was Mission Impossible 1. Mission Impossibles 3 & 4 were Mission Impossible 2.
I don't understand Twitter. Please everyone disregard the message intended for my wife. I love you all too, but, just... that wasn't for you
If Google buys Twitter you know he'll be wearing a Twitter T-Shirt on Monday. #Brandist
Hello Chris Hardwick! I listen to your stuff! Thanks for making my commute less boring. Have on more superheros. I have narrow interests.
The person behind the checkout counter actually "checked me out". Thanks but no thanks. #Standards #Mirin
I miss Melissa.
Ant-Man: What a fun little movie. #DadJokes #DadJokesButReallyThatIsJustMyActualOpinionOfTheMovie
Revving your engine is for peacocks. Find ways to try to impress people that aren't so loud. I don't like you.
4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42
Peptobismol should run a commercial where it is poured onto the surface of Jupiter, and it ceases being a Gas Giant. #ThatsAStretch
Abbreva should run a commercial where it is poured onto the surface of Jupiter, and its red spot goes away. #StillStretching
30 Day Challenge: Wake @ 6, Bed @ 10, Eat in, Drink water & coffee, run a mile, 100 pushups, 15 pullups, & 15 minutes stretching. Every day.
Day 2: I'm so tired. I'm so, so very tired.
The word "Alphabet" should really end with a "z".
Day 6: Why am I DOING THIS? #WHYAMIDOINGTHISQUESTIONMARK
You're fat because you eat too much. The proof is in the pudding. #HESTILLGOTJOKES
I just took this picture: #FoodPic #MyWifeIsAwesome #Deliciousness
Top 5: Advantages with which I was Born
5. Tall, right-handed, right-eye dominant
4. Semi-atheletic build, propensity to lose weight rather than gain it - even into my late twenties
3. White male (sadly, this is still almost undeniably an advantage in America)
2. Typically functioning body & mind
1. My family & upbringing, a distinct & clear advantage
"This is so fun! Why have I never come to IKEA?"
- Person I walked by in IKEA -